From our archive. This article was published on 2 December 2019. Rules and amounts may have changed since.
At work, you regularly come across a drama pattern.
Think, for example, of a bad-news conversation about redundancy, a meeting in which you have to give your opinion on a future project, or a disagreement between colleagues.
E.g. Your boss decides that cutbacks are needed and has to let you go. The reason is that you are too expensive for the company.
At that moment, it is important to look at the situation from a distance for a while, like a spectator watching a play. What is your situation? What is the situation of the other person (or people)? What do you want to achieve, and what do they want to achieve?
E.g. You had hoped for a promotion or a new, exciting project. Your boss wants to make you redundant. However, the company’s finances do not allow you to keep working there. He wants to tell you in person, so that you can part on good terms.
Ask yourself whether the reaction comes from Fear. If you discover Fear, make a choice: I go along with the fear, or I choose to trust that everything will be fine. That is already a first way of stepping out of a drama pattern.
E.g. Over the years, good communication has developed between you and your boss. Your boss shows clearly, in words and body language, that he would prefer to keep you, but that the situation forces him to let you go. There is no other way.
You then make a decision: you enter into dialogue, or you want to calm down for a moment (and enter into dialogue afterwards). That is a second way.
E.g. You ask: “I’m going to let this sink in for a moment. Can I get back to you about this after your next appointment?”
If you choose dialogue, always speak in the first person and not on behalf of “everyone” or “people”. The “I” message expresses what you want and what you need. It prevents the other person from taking your remark as an accusation. Use active verbs. Say what you feel and what this does to you. Also state your expectations and wishes. That promotes a cooperative atmosphere.
E.g. You say: “I enjoy working at this company. I find it hard to deal with this news. I feel confused. I have a lot of questions about my redundancy. Can I talk about this with the company’s confidential adviser? Can I count on a good reference that highlights my qualities and skills in my search for new work?”
Finally, look at where you have common ground. Do not focus on the differences.
E.g. You both prefer that you stay on at the company. Together, you look for a solution.
In this way, you will hopefully have a constructive conversation without drama.
This article is a contribution from our partner Ann of Happy Balannced. Happy Balannced guides people to focus on the solution and not to fixate on their problems. Seeking balance is, of course, a priority in everyone’s life. Book an appointment with Happy Balannced if you would like to sit down with a mindset coach.