A divorce is rarely a single moment. It is a series of decisions, conversations and paperwork, while at the same time you are saying goodbye to a future you had pictured. Who will live in the house? What about the joint account, the loan, the children? And how do you get by on one income, while the fixed costs stay almost the same?
Grief and money worries reinforce each other during this period. Yet there is a lot you can influence yourself. This article is about resilience after a divorce: learning to stand on your own two feet again, emotionally and financially.
Why a divorce affects your heart and your wallet
The American sociologist Paul Amato (2000) described divorce as a process with a whole series of stressors: moving house, less income, conflicts over the children, less contact with friends or in-laws. According to his review, how well someone adjusts depends not only on the divorce itself, but also on protective factors, such as support from others, the way you look at the situation and practical resources.
Financially, the sum is simple and harsh: two households cost more than one. Rent or a mortgage, energy, internet, insurance and a car are suddenly needed separately by each of you. As a result, many people feel a financial squeeze after a divorce that they did not know before, even if their income stays the same.
Self-compassion as a starting point
In a period like this, the temptation to be hard on yourself is strong: should I have done things differently, why did I not see it coming, how could I have been so foolish with money? Research points in another direction. The psychologist Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as treating yourself with the same kindness as you would a good friend, recognising that suffering is part of being human and acknowledging your feelings without drowning in them. In a study by David Sbarra, Hillary Smith and Matthias Mehl (2012), people who had recently separated talked about their experience for a few minutes. Those who did so with more self-compassion also felt better emotionally months later.
Self-compassion is not an excuse to do nothing. On the contrary, it makes it easier to look honestly at your situation, including that pile of envelopes, because you do not immediately condemn yourself for what you find inside.
An example: Nadia
Nadia (38) and her husband separated after twelve years. They have two children, a house with a mortgage and a joint account into which both salaries were paid. Her husband always handled the payments. In the first months Nadia mainly felt panic: she did not even know which direct debits were running.
Her first step was a list. She requested the statements for the last three months and noted every regular payment. Then she opened an account of her own and drew up a budget based on her own salary, any child benefit and the arrangements on the children’s costs. Only then did it become clear that keeping the house would leave her without any buffer every month. That was a painful realisation, but it also gave her peace of mind: she was no longer deciding on gut feeling. With the help of a family mediator, they made arrangements they could both live with. A year later, Nadia rents a smaller house in the same neighbourhood, so the children can stay at their school. She says herself that, for the first time, she really knows where her money goes.
Practical steps to regain an overview
- Take stock. List all accounts, savings accounts, loans, credit cards, insurance policies and direct debits, together with whose name they are in. A joint loan keeps you both bound to the bank. Arrangements you make between yourselves do not automatically change that; you have to settle it with the lender itself.
- Draw up a budget for your new life. Start from scratch rather than dividing your old household budget by two. Which costs do you now bear alone? What is added for the children during your week? Also allow for a small reserve for unexpected costs.
- Do not make big decisions in the first storm. Where possible, give yourself time for choices such as selling the house or buying out your partner’s share. Get proper information about the consequences, for example from a notary, a lawyer or an accredited family mediator.
- Prepare difficult money conversations. Write down in advance what you want to discuss, which figures you need and what really matters to you. That way the conversation stays on the content and less on old grievances.
- Look after yourself. Sleep, exercise and people who listen to you are not a luxury. They are the fuel you need to make all those decisions.
If the maintenance for your children is not paid, or only partly paid, do not wait too long. Keep a written record of the arrangements and payments, and seek information from a lawyer, a mediator or the government in your country: many countries have schemes to recover unpaid maintenance or to pay advances. If you feel low for a long time during this period, talk to your GP or call a helpline in your country.
A small exercise: three sentences for harder days
Write three sentences on a card, based on Neff’s idea. One sentence that acknowledges what is there: “This is a difficult time.” One sentence that reminds you that you are not the only one: “Many people go through this and come out the other side.” And one kind sentence to yourself: “I am doing what I can, step by step.” Read the card when you open a letter from the bank or before a difficult conversation. It sounds simple, but it helps you keep a clear head at the moments when you need it.
Getting back up, with peace of mind as the goal
Resilience after a divorce does not mean you have to get over your grief quickly. It means that, alongside that grief, you regain a grip on your daily life. A financial overview plays a big part in this. If you know what comes in and goes out, you do not have to be afraid all over again every month. That is financial self-care: not perfect, but clear.
With the budget planner you can draw up a budget for your new situation in one go, including a buffer. If you want to prepare well for a conversation about money with your ex-partner, the Prepare a money conversation tool can help. And if you would rather not go through those first months alone, one of our coaches can guide you, step by step, towards a clear overview and peace of mind again.