“You need to be a bit more resilient.” Perhaps you have heard that line after a difficult spell at work, an argument or a financial setback. It sounds like good advice, but does it mean you have to toughen up? Swallow your feelings? For many people the word feels more like a reproach than a source of help.
That is a shame, because resilience really is something you can build. It just looks different from the image of the unflappable go-getter. In this article you will read what researchers mean by resilience, which misunderstandings surround it and how you can work on it in concrete ways in everyday life, including in the way you handle money.
What is resilience?
In Dutch we use two words that are closely related. Weerbaarheid is mainly about the ability to cope with pressure and setbacks: you can hold your ground, set boundaries and keep functioning when things get hard. Veerkracht puts the emphasis on recovery afterwards: bouncing back after a blow. In practice the two concepts overlap, and in English both fall under resilience.
The American Psychological Association (APA) describes resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma or significant sources of stress. The word “process” matters. Resilience is not a fixed trait that you either have or lack, but something that develops through interaction with your environment, your relationships and your experiences.
The American psychologist Ann Masten spent decades studying how children and adults hold their own in difficult circumstances. In her well-known article “Ordinary Magic” (2001) she concluded that resilience usually does not stem from exceptional talents. It arises from ordinary, human building blocks: a few good relationships, the sense that you have some influence over your life, the ability to steer your emotions and behaviour a little, and being able to tackle problems. Ordinary magic, in other words. That is encouraging, because ordinary building blocks can be strengthened.
George Bonanno (2004) also showed that many people, after a loss or a life-changing event, return to fairly stable functioning over time. Resilience is therefore the rule rather than the exception, although it rarely comes without pain.
What resilience is not
A few stubborn misunderstandings surround the concept. It helps to set them out:
- Being resilient does not mean never feeling sadness, fear or stress. Resilient people feel the blow just as much. The difference lies in what they do next: they look for support, take a next step and give themselves time.
- Being resilient does not mean carrying everything alone. Masten’s work shows precisely that relationships are among the strongest protective factors. Asking for help is not a weakness; it is part of resilience.
- Being resilient does not mean carrying on until you drop. Persevering without rest is not strength but exhaustion. Resilient people also know their limits.
- Being resilient is not just a question of character. Circumstances count too. If you live under constant financial pressure, you have less room to respond calmly. That is not a personal failure.
In their book Scarcity (2013), economists Sendhil Mullainathan and Eldar Shafir describe how shortages, of money or of time, take up a large part of your mental space. You start thinking in a kind of tunnel: you focus on the most pressing problem and lose sight of the rest. If you are worried about next month’s rent, you have less attention left for planning, rest or relationships. Building resilience is therefore also about reducing the pressure itself, not only about learning to cope with it better.
Building resilience is no substitute for professional help. If you feel low, anxious or exhausted for a long time, talk to your GP about it. The social services of your local council or a welfare organisation near you can also help with questions about well-being, relationships and money. If you want to talk anonymously, you can contact a helpline in your country. In an emergency, call the emergency number.
An example: Sofie
Sofie (38) works as an administrative assistant and has two children. When her car unexpectedly needed an expensive repair last year, she panicked. She had no savings set aside, hid the invoice in a drawer and slept badly for weeks. “I thought I was just bad with money,” she says. “And that I shouldn’t make such a fuss.”
What eventually helped Sofie was not a sudden change of character. She told her sister, who looked over her spending with her. Together they called the garage to ask for a payment plan, which worked. Then Sofie started with small steps: a set moment each week to look at her accounts and a separate savings account into which a small amount goes every month. A year later her buffer is still modest, but the way she reacts to setbacks has changed. “I still get a fright,” she says, “but now I know what my first step is.”
How do you build resilience?
Resilience does not grow from one big decision, but from small things you repeat. These steps can help:
- Invest in your connections. Think about who you can call when things go wrong, and for whom you are that person. A friend, relative, colleague or neighbour. Make sure your contact does not only exist in times of crisis.
- Strengthen your sense of control. Choose one area where you have influence and take a small, achievable step there. With money, that could be checking your account once a week, without judgement.
- Be kind to yourself. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion shows that people who look at themselves kindly after a mistake worry less and get back into action more quickly than people who run themselves down. Talk to yourself as you would to a good friend.
- Look after your foundations. Sleep, exercise and rest are not luxuries. They help determine how much you can bear when something goes wrong.
- Prepare for the predictable. You don’t know which setback is coming, but you do know that one will. A small financial buffer, a list of important contact details and an idea of your first step make a big difference.
A short exercise: your resilience map
Take a sheet of paper and divide it into four boxes. In the first box, write the names of three people you can turn to. In the second, note a difficult period you have already come through, and what helped you then. In the third, write down what drains you or worries you today, including around money. In the fourth, choose one small step you will take this week to ease that pressure a little.
The exercise often reveals something surprising: you already have more resilience than you think. You have come through difficult things before, and what helped you then can help you again. If you want to take a broader look at how the different areas of your life are going, the Well-being rose can help you do that.
Resilience and financial peace of mind
Money and resilience are closely linked. Financial worries eat up energy and mental space, and that is exactly the space you need to respond calmly to setbacks. Conversely, every step towards a clearer overview strengthens your sense of control, and that sense is one of the core building blocks of resilience. A buffer, a clear picture of your fixed costs and the habit of reviewing your finances regularly are therefore not just financial choices. They are forms of self-care that protect your peace of mind.
You don’t have to be perfect. Resilience is not about never falling, but about knowing how to get back on your feet. If you want to work on having more confidence in your own money choices, the online course Boost your financial confidence offers insight and practical exercises, at your own pace.